The News Journal - Where are your manners

January 1, 2007

Section: LIFE

Edition: Final

Page: E1, E6

Where are your manners?

VICTOR GRETO

Staff

By VICTOR GRETO

The News Journal

WEST CHESTER, Pa. -- When Joan Stokely was 4 and growing up in her parents' row home in Upper Darby, Pa., she played the part of her Irish grandmother's "sugar girl."

At afternoon tea, she held a bowl filled with sugar cubes and served them with tongs. From the right. One lump or two?

"It was a formal tea," says Stokely, 51, within her impeccable, stately home in Chester County. "I thought it was fabulous."

Later, in the Girl Scouts, she'd consistently win badges for hospitality.

"I loved getting those badges," she says with a modest smile.

She's so polite, isn't she?

Strictly speaking, etiquette may be all about following established rules and hoary protocol.

But, according to Stokely and others, it's as much -- if not more -- about character and respect for others, with roots deep in ancient cultures.

Think of this story as holding the potential for a fruitful New Year's resolution.

The next time you sit down at a formal dining table, with its shining variety of glasses, goblets, knives, forks and spoons, and a sculpture-like folded napkin floating on the dinner plate, don't panic.

Don't wonder whether the small plate and knife on the left or the one on the right is yours (it's the left), or what the little utensils set horizontally north of the dinner plate are for (dessert).

Take the time to learn the rules.

Stokely, owner and president of The Society of Diplomacy Inc., teaches programs and lessons on etiquette -- from business diplomacy to formal social skills -- to businesspeople, organizations and others about how to shake hands, dine, host a party and give an afternoon tea.

"There's a feeling of comfort and confidence that comes with knowing etiquette," Stokely says. "It's also about thinking of the other person."

Mastering the essentials

Learning etiquette, however, is not like riding a bike; it's more like learning how to drive a stick shift -- a change in perspective is necessary.

You need to get over yourself. Stop thinking that an upbringing without manners makes you any more authentic than one with them.

"There is language you use that you would never use with your grandmother but that you use with your friend," says Pam Cummings, a University of Delaware associate professor of hotel and restaurant management who teaches a course in international etiquette. "It doesn't mean you're a big fake. You're choosing to express yourself properly."

If you grow frustrated and conk out a few times figuring out the nuances of working your way outside-in with those shiny utensils, you may even wonder if you're good enough.

But once you know the essentials, you can ride confidently into any situation.

"First impressions still matter," says Missy Matrangola, who owns Atlantic Pension Services in Kennett Square, Pa.

She watched Stokely teach her 17-year-old daughter, Kathryn, some of the rules of dining during a youth leadership program.

"People want to do business with someone they can talk to and feel confidence in," she says. "It sets a good example."

Even Matrangola, at the top of her business game, learned some things by just observing her daughter's lessons.

For instance, to properly sit on a chair, you must approach it from the right side. When someone asks for the salt, pass both the salt and pepper.

Some people may think that little things like that are just the surface, she says. But it's about attitude, too. "They think you're confident even if you don't know anything. Substance will come through later. But you need to get into the door to sell yourself."

Start with a handshake

Stokely just plain likes the rules. They suit her.

Accented by pearls, a red blouse and hazel eyes (that go with anything), she is dressed smartly in a black jacket, black slacks and black shoes.

She greets you with engaging eye contact and a firm handshake.

Speaking of first impressions, that handshake is terribly important.

A proper one requires a firm grip; both of the hands shaking should meet where the thumb and index finger web together.

If one is sitting, he or she should stand up to shake hands. And keep looking at the person's face.

Don't pull a Bill Clinton and take the person's arm.

"That's for consoling," Stokely says. "But politicians have their own sets of rules."

Stokely attended Catholic high school and Cabrini College near Philadelphia, and much of her life has been spent as an accountant.

But during her education and after she started her own accounting business, she realized there were no classes on "how to dine" for businesspeople.

Kerry Parker, a vice president of corporate sales with Downingtown, Pa.-based Softmart, which sells software to large companies, supervises more than 100 salespeople.

"I recognized the need," Parker says. "Our sales representatives were never taught how to eat, dress, even how to shake a hand."

Parker says he and his team found out some business dinner essentials. "Who orders a wine during a business dinner?" he says. "It depends on who does the inviting. I don't drink wine, so I would defer to the customer, but it should be my decision. Who should order first? (The guest orders first.) Is it OK to decline wine? (Yes, but politely, of course). Where do you set your napkin if you get up for a few minutes?"

You set it on the chair.

And, ladies, don't sling your purse over the back of the chair; set it on the floor. If it's small enough, put it in your lap, under the napkin.

"For me, the primary issues of etiquette are kindness and treating people well," Cummings says. "It's a way of knowing the right thing to do and letting go of concerns of what you're not sure about."

And it shows self-respect. "It's a way of building confidence in social settings by freeing yourself of worrying whether you've done the right thing," she says. "Most people feel good about themselves when they know what to do and make a choice. If not, it creates a voice that says they're not good enough, and you hate those other people."

Matters of respect

Should we talk about the use of cell phones or Blackberries in public or during meetings?

This is where etiquette italicizes its respect for others, Stokely says. Turn them off during meetings, or during dinner.

Want to be fashionably late? Any more than 15 minutes is rude.

No arms on the table until after dinner is eaten.

When you cut meat on a plate, if you're in Europe, you keep the fork in your left hand and bring the food to your mouth tines down. In America, you put the knife down, switch hands, and put the food to your mouth, tines up.

And don't cut up more than two pieces of meat at a time -- unless, of course, you're cutting it up for junior or for your disabled parent.

The sloppiest common foods to eat include spaghetti and pizza, Stokely says.

She twines a modest amount of noodles around her fork, using the plate as buffer. However, nothing can save you if the strand is hanging undecorously from your lips. Just suck it in.

With pizza, she progressively cuts away at the tip to eat, until it becomes foldable.

And, NO TOOTHPICKS.

There are certain, obvious, things we all do out of sight -- picking one's teeth has now become one of them.

It's like, back in the day, it was acceptable to gather around the fireplace and pick out lice from people's hair. Most of us don't do that anymore.

If Grandpa picks away at his teeth with a wooden pick, well, we can respect that. But at a formal table, please don't.

And don't run a finger along the gums to get out that last stubborn string of food that's driving you crazy.

Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and take care of it -- but please, while we're on the subject, don't take the cell phone in there with you.

And, if you do, while utilizing the facilities, don't answer the darn thing.

Thank you, dear reader, for listening.

NEED MORE HELP?

Reach Joan Stokely at The Society of Diplomacy by calling (877) 789-0077 or visiting www.thesocietyofdiplomacy.com.

Contact Victor Greto at 324-2832 or vgreto@delawareonline.com.

Tips to increase your business social skills

• Work on your handshake.

• Establish good eye contact.

• Return telephone calls and e-mails within 24 hours.

• Dress for the occasion.

• Listen and think before you speak.

• Remember names.

• Work on your table manners.

• Say "thank you" and "please" every chance you get.

Copyright (c) The News Journal. All rights reserved. Reproduced with the permission of Gannett Co., Inc. by NewsBank, inc.

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